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10645272_10204371917154883_3078501645432750418_nI’m sorry I lied. No matter how many times I tell myself that I am over you, I keep fooling myself. I keep holding on to your memories even though I keep saying I don’t deserve you. I keep coming back thinking, nothing happened. But, something did.

What happened to our forever? What happened to our promises? Long years of memories flushed down the drain. A sad goodbye to a beautiful relationship that I had foolishly believed will last a lifetime.

Why do people do this? Do something stupid and say sorry after? It’s been done and sorry can’t fix anything. Surely you know that. We cannot go back even if I desperately want to.

12268_10204371916834875_1169254840414545000_nEvery day that I look myself into the mirror, I saw someone foolish, someone stupid but someone courageous. Everyday I put up a fight against this misery. Everyday I keep moving on slowly and sobbing silently. I am grieving and suffering like a prisoner of the past.

I lost count how many times I cried. Crying, I guess, is now my favorite hobby. It’s the only thing I know to keep my sanity for I am deeply hurting. I guess you don’t know that. You don’t care at all.

Why is it that I’m the one begging when I’m the one who is wronged? I am ready to forgive but you’re not ready to ask. I am willing to start all over but for you, it is over. No more beginnings, no more memories.

10644956_10204371924595069_6606853092034837476_nI find it unfair why it happens to me. I keep asking myself but I keep getting no answers. The more I ask, the more it hurts, the more I cry. I guess it has to be. It has to be me.

I am not giving up the slightest hope yet. This is maybe my single most foolish thing in my entire life but for me, it is also the single bravest thing. People say it’s harder to move on than to hold on but they are wrong. It is harder to hold on when your heart is being squashed and your soul is being crushed. I want to hold on, not because I am afraid to be alone, but because I believe that even a single 1% of hope could stand a chance and make miracles.

I am not closing my door to you. Maybe, just maybe, a few days, a few weeks, a few months from now, I will stop being a fool and learn to shut that door. But right now, I want you to try knocking once again and try calling my name. Will you? I know you wont and will never be. But a girl can always dream, can wish just anything.

Levi I hope you are happy even though I am not. I hope you can smile even if I can’t remember my last. I hope breaking me is worth it for I will never forgive you if it isn’t. You hurt me so much but I am willing to forget. I have to let you go but I don’t want to. I guess you can call me pathetic but love is a game of fools. It is ironic that those who stay faithful, turn to be the losers. Those who love the most, suffer the most. 

Someday, somewhere, somehow… I can learn to let go. But for now, let me weep. For you. For us. For what could have been. For the what ifs and regrets. For the happy moments and sad fights. For the signs that I didn’t see. For the love that we sacrificed. For the tears and heartaches. And most importantly… for myself.

P.S. I will lose myself over a month of travels and adventures. I hope I can find the way back to the old happy “me”. Wish me luck.

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First written on 6 Sep 2014 but she wasn’t ready yet.

This is for a friend who told me “You just don’t understand!” I believed her, I don’t really understand what she has been through to make judgments. But she knows, I will always be here.  🙂 I hope you can find the way back to the old happy “you”.

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