They say friendship is the best foundation of any relationship. But is it?
Coward and I were childhood friends until we became lovers. He made me feel loved and needed, beautiful and perfect. But nothing is truer than nothing lasts forever.
He disappeared without telling me why, leaving me without saying goodbye. How do you find someone who doesn’t want to be found? I was left hanging so I tumbled down with my heart broken. And I thought nothing could be more painful but I was wrong. Again and again.
I thought I knew him but I guess I didn’t. Someone told me his web of lies and rubbish promises. Coward knocked someone with a baby while pretending to be faithful to me. It felt like my heart was squeezed by a blender full of ice water. It was bleeding until it was frozen. Numbed and lifeless.
And Trouble was there. We became friends as days went by. He was with me while I was nursing my broken heart. He offered his shoulders when I needed someone to. He hugged me when I felt alone and unhappy. He gave me reasons to smile when I couldn’t find any. We had our Monday night drinking sprees and Sunday moments.
Little by little, I had fallen. I was emotionally bruised so I was skeptical if the strange feeling was that of love. Little did I know that a bruised heart is the most vulnerable of all. I chose to give him my heart, only to be crushed again. This time, it was more painful because it wasn’t just my heart but all of me got burned.
Trouble is a born charmer. I give him that. I was at first disgusted with women falling over men screaming with warning signs of “Not to be loved.” Did I ever think I could change him? Did I ever think there is a chance for us? Whatever the reason, it is still a mystery to me. I can now understand why some women swoon despite bloody blaring toxic signs on a man’s forehead.
I thought there was something special because he made me feel special. I thought we could be more than friends because he was treating me more than a friend. But, I was wrong again. Did I misread everything?
I fall only to hit the bottom harder. I thought I could survive anything so I was willing to risk my everything. Decency is too rare to find.
Was he worth it? No.
Do I regret it? No.
Two friends. Two different stories. Two guys who don’t have decencies. Two cowards that bear troubles. Two broken friendships. One broken heart.
As I gaze on my window, I realize that the “love blanket” that shields his imperfections is vanishing. I can see him now for what he truly is. Amidst whatever these are, all I am asking is decency if our friendship counts for whatever worth it is.
I am slowly healing. Taking steps little by little. Hoping that tomorrow, I will learn to smile to both of them.
Even if these two broke my heart, I know I will fall in love again. I just hope that, this time, his name will not be Trouble or Coward… but The One.
To the best and beautiful girlfriend that we know of. Hang on there.
Fri 29 Aug: This one is hard for me to make it public after it was first written in May 18… I just hope it will make things better.